


i've got a heart that wants your heart

by timetoboldlygo



Series: bodhicassian week [5]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Friends With Benefits To Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 05:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11284755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetoboldlygo/pseuds/timetoboldlygo
Summary: “You aren’t stupid for falling in love with your best friend,” Jyn said, not unkindly. “You’re stupid for sleeping with him after you realized you were in love with him.”





	i've got a heart that wants your heart

**Author's Note:**

> bodhicassian week day 6!!!!! i love modern aus tbh and i was really disappointed that there were no au promopts for bassian week so i made an au. the title is from mary lamberts "know your name"

I made this an au, because fuck the man

-

If Bodhi wasn’t stupid, he wouldn’t have fallen in love with his best friend. But he was and he did and he really hadn’t realized how torturous it was going to be.

Because Cassian _was_ his best friend. Bodhi hadn’t had very many – a girl from Jedha who lived across the street from his family, a friend from high school – and even then, he hadn’t been close to them.

He thought maybe it was inevitable that when you knew someone this well, knew all the fears and problems and the ways to make them smile, that you would fall in love with them.

“You haven’t fallen in love with _me_ ,” Jyn pointed out after Bodhi told her this. She was lying on her back, arms crossed neatly over her chest, and Bodhi was copying her. The lights were off and they were both lying on the ground.

“You’re not a man, but thanks for playing,” Bodhi said.

“You aren’t stupid for falling in love,” Jyn said, not unkindly. It wasn’t her fault. She wasn’t exactly good at heart to hearts; Bodhi really should call his sister for that. “You’re stupid for sleeping with him _after_ you you realized you were in love with him.”

“Yeah,” Bodhi said. He uncrossed his arms and crossed them a different way. That was the crux of it, wasn’t it. It wasn’t just that he and Cassian had met in class four years ago and completely clicked, spent the entirety of college practically glued to each other’s side, and talked about moving to the same city together. It wasn’t that Cassian knew everything about Bodhi.

It was that Bodhi had gone and fucking slept with him.

The order it went in was this: they became friends. Stayed friends. Graduated. Bodhi had gone on seven unsuccessful dates, and consequently realized they were unsuccessful because they weren’t Cassian. And then he’d make a joke, while drunk, about how not liking the people you met on Tindr was hard, because who the fuck were you supposed to have sex with?

Cassian had an answer for that, of course. (It had seemed like a good idea at the time, with Cassian’s lips on his, Cassian’s hands sliding under his shirt.)

Whatever. Bodhi been drunk. Not drunk enough to truly justify making bad decisions, but drunk enough that Bodhi could see how it happened. Couldn’t bring himself to really regret it, though. Not quite.

It might be stupid, be even having a little bit of Cassian like that is better than nothing.

And he just kept doing it, over and over, because apparently Bodhi hated himself.

He sighed. Jyn sighed. It was what it was.

-

They lay there on the ground for a while, pretty happy to soak in the fact that Bodhi didn’t have work tomorrow because it was a holiday and Jyn didn’t have another shift for two days. Around them, the living room got darker and dark until it was pretty much night time.

Bodhi was mostly asleep, to be honest, when Cassian opened the door to the apartment.

“Hey,” Cassian said, clearly unconcerned with why the lights were off. “I thought we were going to get drunk and watch Pirates of the Carribbean, not lie on the floor in the dark.”

“I didn’t give you a key so you could come in here and question me,” Bodhi said. He gave Cassian a key because 1) Cassian was his friend and 2) because Bodhi was absolutely in love with him. He tilted his head to look at Cassian. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Cassian said, looking down at him. Smiling, probably because he can somehow unconsciously tell that it drives Bodhi wild. At least, Bodhi hoped it was unconsciously.

“ _I_ sure as hell am not watching Pirates of the Caribbean,” Jyn announced. She rolled over and stood up, groaning like she was ninety years old. “ _I_ have plans.”

“With who?” Cassian asked, feigning innocence. “All your friends are here.”

“Fuck you, Andor,” she said jovially and disappeared out the door. Then she opened it again. “Forgot my wallet,” she said. “But still. Fuck you, Andor.”

“Noted,” Cassian said, settling on the couch. From his backpack, he pulled out a bottle of the shitty wine that he liked and the popcorn flavoring that Bodhi liked. Also, the movie. He looked down at Bodhi, who hadn’t moved. “Do you want me to put the movie in?”

“Yeah,” Bodhi said, throwing his arms out so he was spread eagle. This was the sort of thing Cassian did – put movies into dvd players when Bodhi didn’t want to – and also didn’t question Bodhi about lying on the ground in the dark.

Lying on the ground in the dark was cathartic, but Bodhi did manage to sit up when Cassian waved popcorn in front of his face. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

“You okay?” Cassian asked, sitting down on the floor besides Bodhi and leaning on the couch.

“Yeah,” Bodhi said, instead of something stupid like _I am disgustingly in love with you_. He ate a piece of popcorn.

“Okay,” Cassian said, because he didn’t push Bodhi unless he thought Bodhi really needed it.

 _Cool it_ , Bodhi told himself, eating another piece. The movie had started to play. _You gotta get over this, because he’s your friend and deserves better than you being in fucking love with him and ruining things and besides, one day he’ll get a significant other and you’ll be heartbroken_.

Falling out of love with someone was going to suck. But Bodhi was going to have to do it. He ate another piece of popcorn.

Probably that meant not sleeping with Cassian again.

He leaned over and kissed Cassian impulsively. He tasted like shitty wine. _Fuck the man_ , Bodhi thought viciously, biting down on Cassian’s lip. Cassian gave a little gasp.

At this point in time, he knew what Cassian liked. They’d been sleeping together for a couple of months, so it was kind of a surprise when Bodhi heard Cassian say “Wait wait wait.”

“What?” He said, pulling back. Cassian’s hair was sticking up. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Cassian said, looking a little embarrassed. “I just – we haven’t talked in a while.”

Bodhi blinked at him. “I’m sorry?”

Cassian groaned. “Bodhi, come on.”

“Come on _what_ ,” Bodhi said, sitting back. He felt stunningly empty. This wasn’t going to go the way he wanted it to go. Yeah, he was _supposed_ to stop himself from sleeping with Cassian, but sure felt a hell of a lot different when Cassian didn’t want to.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“We haven’t just hung out as friends in a while,” Cassian said. “And I miss it?”

“So you don’t wanna sleep with me,” Bodhi said. Now he felt _really_ bad.

“That’s not it,” Cassian said, grabbing Bodhi’s hand. “Bodhi, no. That’s not it. I just don’t want us to stop being friends because we’re sleeping together.”

“Okay,” Bodhi said slowly, pulling his hands from Cassian’s grip. “Fine. Cool. Let’s, uh, do that.” They were both stupid for thinking that they could.

“Bodhi, please don’t be upset,” Cassian pleaded. “You’re my best friend. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Bodhi said, because he could never stop himself from saying anything when he was upset like this. “Just not the way that you love me.” He dropped his head to his knees. _Fuck_ him. “It’s fine. Just, uh. Can you leave?”

“Bodhi, what did you mean by that,” Cassian said sharply.

In for a penny, in for a pound. It was better this way, maybe, because at least Cassian would know and could be upset and Bodhi wouldn’t spend another year trying to hide it from him. “It means I’m in love with you, asshole, what the hell do you _think_ it means,” Bodhi mumbled.

“I think it means you don’t know I’m in love with you,” Cassian said calmly, and Bodhi jerked his head up.

“You _what_?”

Cassian gave him a nervous grin. “I’m, uh, in love with you.”

“You can’t be,” Bodhi said unbelievingly.

“I am,” Cassian said. He reached out, so carefully, to put his hand on Bodhi’s jaw. “Will you let me – ”

“Yeah,” Bodhi said, already leaning forward. Their kiss was familiar, but much gentler than all the times they’d kissed before, because they knew what it meant this time.

“just to be clear,” Bodhi said, pulling back for a second. He kept his hands looped around Cassian’s neck. “Next time we sleep together, we are _not_ doing it as just friends. Just to be _really_ clear. We’re dating.”

Cassian snorted. “Seems to be the logical progression after confessing your love to each other.”

“Don’t be mean,” Bodhi said. “It sucked being in unrequited love.”

“Right, but we fixed that,” Cassian said, leaning in for another kiss. “Now we’re best friends who are dating. See? All the problems are fixed.” He didn’t seem particularly eager to talk about how much that sucked, but then, he’d never been good at talking about his emotions. Bodhi knew that. Knew that he'd have to draw them out, the way he always had to. It might take a while.

But it was okay. They had time. 


End file.
